COMPOSER-SONGWRITER
Silent Tree Music
VISITOR COMMENTS
( PART 3c )
LITERARY / POETRY
( The Paul Hellweg Memorial Page )
3c of 10
Freedom's a Word: "Steven Stills was the singer I was trying to think of, the one you reminded me of.
Voice, not content. He has a song -- a capella -- can't recollect it -- you sounded as good as he does!"
Bottomless Bottle
by Blond Chitlin' Goldstein on live webcast from Kulak's Woodshed:
"I kept getting a blank screen. Suddenly it went live & there you were with six or so cohorts. The little I saw was awesome.
War Games No More: "I like it. Definitely catches the spirit of going to war --
motivated & idealistic at first, then not so much as the hard reality sets in.
Also, the fact that the soldier is empathetic is a huge plus.
You see precious little of that in wartime.
The song is fine as is. The only thing that didn't ring true to me was the charred arms & legs.
I'm assuming that's a reference to IEDs, but mostly those would produce mangled extremities.
I understand people burn to death in wartime, but that's a lots less common
than being physically turned into mincemeat.
Charred limbs are definitely a grosser & more graphic image.
Not sure how to make it work in the song.
In my own experience, I'll never forget the time our lead tank hit a landmine & caught fire.
The driver was burned over most of his body before we were able to get him out.
He died 9 days later. That incident will be with me my entire life,
mainly because I can't even begin to imagine the pain & terror
he must have experienced during those 9 days.
So, my non-songwriter thoughts are:
1) Leave it as is, charred limbs are indeed a horrific image,
2) Change to mangled -- less graphic, but more believable, or
3) Make a reference either directly or indirectly to an experience similar to the anecdote I just shared.
But like I said, song is fine. No need to change anything.
Not to worry, one way or the other, this is a good piece."
Rusty Waters: "Like this one too. Very important message, & the escalating teardrop metaphor works well."
One Quick Lesson in Flying (at Kulak's Woodshed): Good intro, good (in a heavy sort of way) poignant song. Your delivery was spot on."
Are You Still There?: This is a beautiful song. I love both the imagery & the theme."
Casey A.: I like it. You catch the essence perfectly.
Minor quibble -- you say they can't convict her again, I wasn't aware that she had been convicted.
I understand pacing is important. Anyway around? They can't try you again ... they can't ..???
Still, it's good."
Oops, We Bombed the Wrong Country; Children of War; I Want Him Back from Iraq: "Very nice, glad you did submit (to Winning Writers War Poetry Contest). They're all solid. I don't think I've heard the first. Very powerful poem/song. Is it based on a true incident?
My feeling is that it is not, but the resulting ambiguity perfectly captures the haphazardness of modern warfare:
was that guy we just killed really an enemy? Did we kill the right children?
Uh ... maybe we shouldn't be killing children? Aren't they innocents?
You are empathetic & it shows in your songwriting -- in fact, that's what I would consider to be your greatest strength.
& if it sounds like I'm rambling, indeed I am. But it's rambling inspired by your poem/song. Good luck in the contest.
I can live with being the runner-up if you're the first-place winner!
Also, the birthday song was touching & thoughtful. Made me feel special."
I Could Hear Them Talking: "I like it. I had assumed from the get-go that the narrator was the intended target,
so the ending was a surprise twist that was witty & tender."
Children of War: "I liked your AK song very much.
You read well too -- very relaxed & confident."
American Hacker: "Caught your Kulak's show -- laughed out loud at the host's comment about thanking Mr. & Mrs. Dot Com.
Your presentation went over smoothly, nicely delivered.
Alas, I've never seen American Idol.
Though I understand the concept, I can't fathom why anyone would care enough to skew the votes. Hmmm ..."
Face to Face: "Reread the song, read the obituary, watched the YouTube video.
All very moving.
I'm pleased you finally have tracked the veteran down, even though it is too late to reach him directly,
you can still indirectly touch his world, his wife, etc.
Definitely powerful stuff here."
When the Wave Came: "Caught you on Kulak's. You did well. Silence of crowd was a good thing --
they were somber after your reading. Your tsunami song again went over well at Cobalt."
(Coffee Cantina, Frazier Park 3-11-11):
"I thought all your pieces went over well.
The stumbling on the tongue twisters (Peanut Butter Pancakes & Pepperoni Pizza Pie Ice Cream) was not a distraction --
only went to show that they really were tongue twisters."
"I got my MickTerry.com fix tonight -- watched you on Kulak's.
Gasoline Prices Were Plunging: Great material.
Your song was thought-provoking & your delivery was excellent.
I hadn't been aware of the timing between the lower prices & the election,
so that caught my attention."
Vee Half Vase Off May Kink U Tock:
Gut vun! Das ist eine gut video ... audience laughter helps a lot ..."
The Way the Starlight Fills the Night: I like the song. I'd call it sentimental, but not corny.
Lots of people are sentimentalists, myself included, so I'm not surprised you got a good reception.
(Beyond Baroque, Venice - Featured Poet 2-6-11):
"I thought your delivery was superb & you had the audience with you.
I felt honored to have the opportunity to introduce you
& provide a better lead-in than the regular host would have done."
(Borders Canoga Park 1-29-11):
"I enjoyed your reading -- especially the first one, The Dumpster.
First mention of the dumpster, I thought the fat girl's body was going to end up there.
Then the instant we learned the baby was unwanted,
I (audience too) knew who was going to end up there.
We all knew it before you got to the last, subdued mention of the dumpster.
That wasn't needed for understanding, but it did make an effective dramatic note to end the song on."
Things My Brother Taught Me: "Strikes me that there are two songs here.
The brother teaching about camel toes, etc. holds together fine, but I don't see the connection to his being killed by dirty cops.
I like both parts/subjects, but I don't see the two themes working as a whole."
Must Be the Maid's Year Off: "I love it & I hate it.
Not bad range of emotion reacting to one song.
In short, works fine, no need to change anything.
I loved the set-up: perfectly catches the ambience of a life lived in despair & depression,
where an act as simple as taking out an empty pizza box is so meaningless that it's impossible to do.
Then I hated it when I understood the poem was about a guy murdering his wife
& getting off Scot-free.
Not that you need to change anything --
it's just one of those themes that get under the skin, which I suspect was your intention."
War Is Not the Answer: "Wow, I love it.
Based on a true incident? There is a Sean, rotting in jail?
My god, how horrible, definitely makes your song more poignant.
If not based on a true story, still a good song."
Where Do Vampires Go on Christmas?: "Sorry, this one isn't for me.
A young woman's body lying in the snow is not my idea of holiday cheer.
The lyrics read as if she's dead, which is inconsistent with the jovial tone of the rest of the poem --
like if you're hanging out under a vampire's mistletoe,
you'll wonder how you got those red marks on your neck.
That actually has erotic overtones, which from what I understand that's what vampirism is all about --
suppressed sexuality, & all that.
I do, however, like the concept -- vampires too need love when everything is cheery & bright.
Any way you can eliminate the image of the dead young girl? Then I'd be on board.
Then again, it's your muse, & I firmly believe in doing what my muse wants.
It is complete, not confusing at all.
I've been urging you all along to trust your muse more than a pacifist,
Bambi-loving raving liberal (moi) who can't stomach the image
of a young girl lying dead in the snow, crimson spreading."
The Ugliest Christmas Tree (YouTube video):
"Very, very, nice. Sweet & uplifting. I like it a lot. (Children's book): Excellent idea!"
"Your CD: Very enjoyable -- listened to it twice on the way home last night
(well, actually I got home a little before finishing second time through).
Had a very professional tone -- I never would've guessed that it was just one person.
Thanks for the CD, I'm sure I'll be getting lots more enjoyment from it in the future."
(Kulak's Woodshed, NoHo 6-7-10 The Bear Facts):
I loved your introduction about being an upcoming featured poet,
& the audience seemed to genuinely appreciate that. Good 'poem' too.
Hey, I like it! (Especially the dedication).
Thanks for dedicating the performance to me & especially thank you for the friendship, support & encouragement.
This morning's revelation: that supportive friends (yourself being the case in point) mean more to me than being featured reader anywhere.
Multitude of very pretty young girls? Hmmm ... maybe I should go to Kulak's sometime?!?"
(Beyond Baroque, Venice 6-6-10):
"Mick the Magnificent ... I was thinking the magnificent songwriter, but you know -- magician works too.
You certainly have a magic touch with the words, & folks are responding positively.
Your reading went well, & the honor bestowed upon you
(invited to be the featured poet) by Marie (the host) is well-deserved. Absolutely.
Sincerely -- I do respect the honor you have received by being invited to feature. Way to go!"
"I thought your performance tonight at VIVA Gallery (5-22-10) was stellar.
Not only did I enjoy it immensely myself, I could tell beyond doubt that the entire audience was with you.
You were the star of the night."
BP Wants Their Life Back: "Love it -- just passed the link along to a friend.
I loved Suicide Bombers, & absolutely, the coda makes the whole thing work.
Of course the audience took it seriously, anyone would, but that just sets us up for a huge laugh as tension release.
Besides, that doesn't devalue the seriousness -- we still get that.
But like I've always said, it's a lot easier to laugh at horror than it is to go insane embracing it."
Runaway Toyota & Tiger & Me: "Love them both, though Tiger one is from female POV -- how you gonna read that? I want to see that!"
Playing Battleship: "I like it - at first I thought it was based on the popular game, but I wasn't prepared for the unique twist & originality.
Hmm... I've never played battleships this way before Any wine involved in creating this version of the game?"
I Never Wrote a Sonnet: "Cool - I like it. I don't see how you did it --
I absolutely loathe structure, but you sure pulled it off."
"I loved Whoa, Mom & Dad. The line about taking Viagra to not roll out of bed is fabulous."
I Have Created a Cliché: "I like it! You going to read it at the Cobalt? ...
If so, you might consider a companion piece ... The Darkness of my Soul!"
"I liked both pieces. Bear at my Door got me smiling & chuckling -- very nice, considering it was a first draft rush job.
Seems complete to me & ready to go.
I love Jew Christmas! Racy and sacrilegious & funny. Nice, enjoyable fun.
What I like is that it's accessible to everyone. Myself, I'm not Jewish, but I get the references. Happy Jew Year next?"
(Barnes & Noble Encino 3-27-10): "You were awesome last night.
Your songs went over well & your introduction for Ron Gregus truly rocked.
I'm honored & pleased to be your friend."
Stuck in a Bottle Again: "I enjoyed the song, & I think it probably does accurately portray the drinking experience for some.
At least I've heard of alcoholics with similar responses to their drinking. Alas, I am not truly an expert in this case.
Oh, well -- maybe I should go have a few beers and read the song again?"
(Java Groove 2-25-10):
Your presentation was powerful & well-received. Kudos!
Running Out of TP lots of fun. But Then, that Kiss enjoyable, too. King's Ransom went over well.
I'll look into revising the Johnny Marching poem -- I think your comments are perceptive."
(Barnes & Noble Encino - Featured Poet 11-28-09):
"Wow, featured poet! That's great. I'd love to be there.
I thought you were in particularly good form tonight. Well done."
Hard Times in Malibu Blues as Blond Chitlin' Goldstein:
"Got it
(live webcast) -- fun -- audience seemed to enjoy.
Good to hear Blond Chitlin' Goldstein is alive & well ... "
Not Quite the World's Oldest Profession: "'You can't even leave w/o testing their wills' ( © 1998 Mick Terry ) ... cool!"
If the Holocaust Was a Myth: "I love your Holocaust lyrics --
I found the opening stanza to be especially poignant --
you definitely seem to have caught the essence of being a trauma survivor."
I Don't Want to Go There: "Wow. That's a great song. It is now my favorite of yours, really hits a lot of buttons -- wanderlust, romanticism, etc.
I can certainly see how it would get such a positive response. Good for you.
Alas, the middle lines of the last paragraph rather spoil the mood for me. Are they really necessary?
I'm referring to currently not having the money to do this stuff.
Keep in mind, please, that the listener doesn't need to know whether or not you're currently traveling the world.
I, for one, would rather not know that you're not. You've created a blissful sense of longing & desire, & that's all we need ... or want.
Anyway, good work. You should be proud of it. I truly think it's a great song, regardless of my misgivings about the last stanza."
It Ain't Over 'til We're Sober: "I've just reread that song a couple times, & -- alas -- it still doesn't touch me.
Not to worry -- I should think it impossible for every song to reach every person.
As far as I'm concerned, your track record is darn good (lots of songs that appeal to lots of people).
The problem for me is the last stanza, which confuses me.
I interpret the song overall to be anti-drinking and pro-relationship,
but the first two lines of this stanza can be interpreted:
1) pro-drinking (raising a toast), and/or
2) anti-relationship (they're better off drinking alone, and the different cities could mean separation).
I'm aware that this could be intentional irony, but if so, it ain't working for me.
Also, the song ends on an ambiguous note:
does "protected from the outside" refer to no drinking or staying away from the sometimes friends,
maybe the rest of the world too?"
She Loves Nature: "I love your nature lyrics. They hit me like a call-to-arms.
I empathize totally with Tina -- I too prefer the comfort of a warm bed to shivering through a sleepless night.
I'm afraid of rattlesnakes & bees (allergic to the latter).
I too am hesitant to pet a tame squirrel or lizard for fear of disease.
I could go on & on about my fears -- like what would I do if I broke my ankle again, but say 20 miles away from the nearest road or trail?!?
Arrgghhh, I shiver to think about it. & despite my bravado, I too am afraid of bears (seen them by the dozens) & lions (I've seen two).
But your song makes me realize how funny & silly my fears are.
Obviously I do get out backpacking, etc., but I don't get out near as much as I'd like.
So, as I said, your song is an inspiration & call -- time for me to shelve the fears & start taking on some bigger & grander adventures.
Thank you for the inspiration & the challenge."
Tree Butchers of L.A.: "I like this one (mostly) -- the theme resonates with me, & I think this is an important piece -- in the sense more people need to be aware of the damaging nature of our tree stewardship (or lack thereof).
The only part I didn't like was the pun on Paul Bunyan -- I get what you mean, but it struck me as an unnecessary joke that detracted from your message.
It pulled me out of the piece because I hesitated to figure out if it was an intentional pun or a mistake.
Which is to say, it would work better if it were more obvious it's an intentional pun.
Not sure if the acrostic will work spoken or sung. The acrostic is a visual form -- & almost invariably the hidden message is presented in a readable format, as you have done here.
I sure didn't see it in the first version, & almost no one would.
But this poem/song would still work well as a spoken piece -- people who hear it read aloud will get the theme, even if they don't see (hear) the hidden message."
"I just checked out some of your anti-war lyrics, & I'm blown away.
I'm a Vietnam veteran, & just in the past month or so I've decided to devote my life to speaking out against war.
I have had several of my anti-war poems accepted, but none have been published yet.
Read a few more of your pro-peace, anti-war songs. Damn, sir, they're mighty fine.
I did like Face to Face. Very nicely done, & I can see why the audience responded so favorably.
Let me know when it's on YouTube, I would like to see it performed."
Why Are They Shooting at Me? "Back during the war, I asked myself that question a billion or so times,
but you certainly caught the spirit. Great work.
I've had at least one story & several poems that were widely interpreted to mean something
altogether different from what I had intended. To me, that's the beauty of art."
"Great meeting you last night & I enjoyed your reading -- excellent presentation.
Also, I checked out your website -- I really liked today's lyrics." (Go Off & Kill Someone)
- Paul Hellweg - award-winning poet, author, editor,
educator, film executive producer - CA
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